To-Go Order Behaviors

For some reason unbeknownst to me, people who are otherwise very intelligent and/or highly educated act like complete idiots when placing to-go orders. They ask the stupidest questions and will often display signs of complete and utter confusion. Here are some common behaviors:

* A guest will walk up to the front desk of the restaurant and ask to pick up their to-go order. There is usually a large, conspicuous sign that labels the takeout counter, which is NEVER at the front desk. The front desk is for taking names and seating people, not handling to-go orders.

* After placing an order, guests will say, "This is to-go." Yes, this is a to-go counter, and we package food to-go. That is what we do. You do not have to clarify.

* Whenever there is a display case, guests will ooh and ah over the desserts and ask if they are fresh. No, you idiot. They are usually displays, and if they are not, we are not going to put old and rotting food out. Then they will ask how much each one is, until the cashier finally points out that there is a large sign that lists prices. Then the guest will act embarrassed, as they should, and continue to ask about prices. 

* People will walk up to the front desk and ask for a menu. The host will give them a menu, and then they will say, "Oh, no, one for to-go orders." This baffles me. The menus we give guests who dine in are exactly the same as the disposable take-out menus that we give guests to take. The only difference is that the take-out menus do not include alcohol, for obvious reasons. Never have I worked at any restaurant where the kitchen offers only certain food for dine-in only or for take-out only. People do not seem to grasp this concept.

* Oftentimes guests will ask how long to-go orders take before placing them. I usually explain that it depends on what you order; salads are usually quick but if you want a well-done burger or steak it will take longer. The average is about 15 to 20 minutes. The reaction is usually "Really? Even to-go?" with a sarcastic twist of the head. Yes, really. It doesn't matter if you are eating the food in the restaurant or somewhere else. It takes the same amount of time to cook it regardless of where you eat it.

* For restaurants that offer curbside service, people will always ask, "Well, is curbside faster than if I come in?" This question is similar to the one above. Again, it takes the same amount of time to cook the order regardless of where you pick it up. The only difference is that instead of you walking from the curbside parking spot to the restaurant, the cashier is walking from the restaurant to the curbside parking spot.

* Curbside pick-up is offered for guest convenience. Yes, we understand that sometimes you would prefer to stay in your car rather than come into the restaurant, and that is why we offer it. But we cannot bring your food to your car if we do not know that you have arrived to pick it up. There is usually a sign on the curbside parking spot that clearly states "Call this number when you have arrived." This is because the cashier cannot actually see the curbside parking because of the set-up of the restaurant. In other words, if you don't call, how the fuck do we know you're here? People will pull up to the curbside parking spot, turn off their engine, and wait, completely ignoring the sign. Then they will get mad because nobody came out to their car, and when we ask, "Did you call to let us know you were here?", they will realize how stupid they are. Usually they will lie and insist that they called, or say that nobody told them to call. Fucking dumbasses.

* After receiving orders, guests will go through their bag to inspect their food and exclaim, "Well, I guess when you get it to-go it's not as big as when you get it in the restaurant!" Again, similar situation. Dinners are portioned and are the same size regardless of where you eat it. We use different shapes and sizes of plates and position food in such a way that it fills the plate and looks fuller. All take-out containers are the same size, so food looks different when it is in a large, shallow container. When children are about seven to eight years old, they begin to learn that volumes remain constant when shapes change. When they become adults and place take-out orders, they suddenly forget this concept.

* People will call when they get home and complain that their food is cold. Yes, it probably is. When you get it in the restaurant, it comes to your table and you eat it immediately while it is hot. When you order something to-go, you usually drive home and settle in before eating it. Take-out containers are made to keep food hot for about two hours, but if you don't eat your food as soon as it comes out of the kitchen, then yes you idiot, it will be cold.

* Restaurants try not to waste and give away items that the guests do not always need, so we often ask the guest if they need napkins and utensils before automatically placing them in the bag. That way, if a guest who is going straight home and would prefer to use his own silverware, he may do so without having to dispose of unneeded plastic utensils. Some people don't get this. They will say, "Um, yeah, how else am I supposed to eat it?" I usually respond with, "Oh, well I wasn't sure if you were heading home or going somewhere where you don't have silverware." Then they will think about it for a second and realize that I am the smart one, not them.

* Curbside spots are specifically for to-go guests only, usually with a 10-minute limit. People often think that they can get away with parking in a curbside spot and come dine in for two hours or leave their car there while they shop. For restaurants located in malls, curbside parking abuse is problematic for employees. Guests will bitch at us when the curbside spots are full, and we will have to explain that other guests have ordered to-go as well. Guests usually do not understand this, and will look around the lobby and say that there isn't even anybody here. Yeah, probably not, because waiting for a to-go order is boring, so people who are waiting are probably walking around the mall, using the restroom, or sitting at the bar having a drink. For those who park in the curbside and stay for extended periods of time, I usually call mall security and have them towed. I take much pleasure in this, especially when the guest comes in yelling and I explain that we have no control over the parking lot, mall security manages it and will tow cars that are parked in spaces that are marked "10 minute parking." This usually ends up with a call to corporate and a guest who is pissed off because he knows he fucked up and he can't win.

* The best thing about to-gos is that you get a lot of crazies. Here are a few of my favorites:

  A lady called and requested pasta with absolutely no sauce. Apparently what she meant but did not say was that she wanted her pasta dry, with the sauce on the side. Upon arriving home and discovering that there was no sauce in her order, as she specifically requested, she called and asked to speak to a manager. She said that she got no sauce, and that it was her birthday, and because we messed up her order, we completely ruined her birthday. If your birthday can be ruined because of your own stupidity, then your life is really sad. 

  A man came in and started yelling at the cashier because we did not have his order. I intervened so the cashier would not become upset and started asking him questions about his order. After listening to him yell at me for several minutes, I called the other location located across town. They had his order. Of course, this was my fault so he yelled at me for not clarifying which location it was and stormed out.

  Another idiot came in and yelled at me because the cashier did not have his order. I apologized and asked if he could tell me what he ordered so I could find out if maybe we had accidently put it under the wrong name. He listed several items that we do not make. I said, "Did you call The Shitshow to place your order or did you call The Cheap Italian Place?" The man immediately shut up, looked around, and said, "What restaurant is this?" I said, "This is The Shitshow, but I can show you where The Cheap Italian Place is. It's two restaurants down." He threw his hands up and yelled "Fuck!" loud enough for the whole restaurant to hear it. He turned to walk out the door and I couldn't resist following him and pointing out where the other restaurant was. Several employees laughed. He never came in again.

  A black guy who looked like he just got out of jail, changed clothes, and headed to the mall came to pick up an order. Being black, he of course wanted his steak well-done. He asked me how much the steaks weigh, and I replied that they are 12 ounces. He took his order and came back about an hour later. He told me that his steak was not 12 ounces. I asked what he meant and he said, "You said it was 12 ounces. I weighed it and it's only 9. I want my money back." I tried to explain that 12 ounces is the weight before cooking and once it is cooked, it loses some of the juice so it will weigh less, especially if it is well-done. He said, "Well, I weighed it, and it's not 12 ounces." I looked at him suspiciously and said, "You weighed it? How did you weigh it?" He said, "Well, I got a scale." I feigned curiosity and asked what kind of scale. He said, "Well I weigh weed with it, so I checked to make sure the steak was 12 ounces." I contemplated whether I should refund his money or ask him how much for an eighth. I decided it was best to just tell him to leave and not come back.

Afterthought: Being a manager does not just mean I babysit adult employees, I babysit customers too. Some people need to have someone hold their hand and walk them through the procedure of visiting a restaurant, and some are just so stupid that they should not be given driver's licenses which allow them to travel to a restaurant. If you are that much of an idiot, I WILL subtly but politely make sure you know it.