“Do you know where your restroom is?” Wtf is the proper answer to this? It is essentially asking if I personally know the exact location of the restroom. The answer is a simple “yes” or “no,” not directions to the restroom.
Walk up to the host stand and say, “My husband just came in here....” or “Did you just seat a guy that walked in?” Ok, the person who you are meeting arrived before you. We do not know you, we do not know who you are meeting, and we do not magically know who your husband is because we do not have hosting superpowers.
Tell the hosts, “Can you tell my friend that we’re over here?” No. We don’t know who your friend is, and we’re too lazy to write down the name. Besides, I’m not your personal secretary. Track her down yourself.
Say, “My party’s not here, so I’m just gonna go to the bar/use the restroom.” We don’t care. Do whatever the fuck you want while you’re waiting. We don’t need to know. Just occupy yourself and don’t talk to us.
“They got seated before us!” Yes, they did get seated before you. You are a party of five and I sat them at a two top. The table was open, and I’m not going to discriminate and make them wait to sit after you because they are a smaller group.
Ignore everything hosts say. For example, hosts say, “Hi, how are you today?” Customer holds up fingers and says, “Two.” We don’t need you to hold up your fingers, and that’s not what we asked, asshole.
Respond to greetings incorrectly. Host: “Hi, how are you?” Customer: “I’m just going to the bar.”
Say, "We're just here for dessert." We don't care, and it's all on the same menu. It is not crucial information.
Fail to inform hosts of actually number in party. People tend to forget that they have small children until they are seated. The usual excuse is, “Well, they’re not eating.” No, they’re not ordering off the menu but they take up space and require boosters and highchairs. Now I have to find a new table to accommodate you, and you realize your own stupidity and take it out on us.
Male patrons will inform female hosts that the restrooms are dirty, and female patrons will do the same with male bussers. Being female, I don’t often visit the men’s restroom, so why would you expect me to go in and there clean it? Go tell a guy because we’re not using it, so we don’t care.
Order drinks when we seat you. We're not servers, and we're not going to get your drinks or place your order.
Complain on the way out. Hosts have absolutely nothing to do with how your meal was. Tell the server so something can be done instead of being a pussy and trying to get a last word in.
“We’ve been waiting for an hour!” No, you haven’t. Everything is done by computer. We know exactly what time you checked in, what we quoted you, and can track how long you will be at your table. I will use this information to correct you.
Seat themselves. How fucking stupid are you?
Pay at the host stand. This is insulting. We are not a white trash coffee shop.
Say, “We just left the tip on the table.” Yes, that is part of the standard dining procedure.
Take pictures of the lobby (usually done by Asian tourists).
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